I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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