The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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