Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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