My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
