Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
