my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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