you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
