Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize