hotel room ftw
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
