i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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