how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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