Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
