Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize