Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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