guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
