he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
