Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
