Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
