Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
