i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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