I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
