haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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