he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
