Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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