dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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