I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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