I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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