you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
