I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
