I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
