do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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