There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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