I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
