obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
