that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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