he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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