I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
