no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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