I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My dad is sitting where you rode me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
