textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
