Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
