fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
