Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
