I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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