The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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