Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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