Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
