Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
