My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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