I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
and you fell through a lawn chair
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
