You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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