Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
