my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
