my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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