I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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