True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
