You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
