I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Randomize
