I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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