after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
