I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
