Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
