The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
