you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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