Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
